


Circumspect

by Waistcoat35



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Poetry, poem, prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-29 17:03:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21413635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waistcoat35/pseuds/Waistcoat35
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	Circumspect

Circumspect

First times are hard to document.

Was it when you crunched down the gravel

as I wrung my hands, wide-eyed

and gave me a smile that smoothed

my crumpled paper bird heart

right back out again

Was it when I left the room

and<strike> hoped </strike>assumed that you would follow

and then you did

Was it when I snagged your elbow on the way

out of the door, or maybe

it was you who snagged mine

and I asked if you would help me

and you said yes

after having known me for less

than twenty four hours

when the people here don’t trust me

after living with me

for seventeen years

Was it when we ducked out of the post office

and your eyes twinkled

and mine danced

and I realised that maybe

not all of my schemes

end up hurting people

and not all people

will end up hurting me?

It might have been 

when we found a pub

and I said I'd wait for you 

and for once I didn't mind 

that it is always me doing 

the waiting 

It might have been 

when you found me gone 

and asked where I was

and cared enough to come

and find me

even after I left you behind 

to dance with somebody I 

could pretend was you

because I still didn't believe 

that you were somebody 

I could have

It might have been 

When I left the police station 

And stepped into the street 

And found _you,_

you, you,

leaning against the car

tipping your hat 

like I was a friend in the street

who you were greeting 

after I'd been on a difficult journey

perhaps I was

perhaps you were

It might have been later than that

when we walked back inside

because I can't bring myself

to say I walked back _home_

because I had known you 

for less than twenty four hours

and you already felt more like a home to me

than this place and its people

who hate me for being a snake

but also hate me when 

I refuse to shed my skin

I think it was

when we came downstairs 

the next morning

and it was me who left a pause

in between our arrivals in the kitchen

despite the fact

that you're supposed to always be

the careful one - as if

you hadn't even thought of it

as if you hadn't even thought

to be ashamed of me

when everybody else

has had to work not to be.

I think it was

when our feet brushed 

just out of sight under the table

and I felt happier than ever

that I wasn't sitting 

at the head of the table

because people don't realise

that it's the loneliest seat 

of them all 

and if nobody looks me in the eye

the rest of the time

they should at least be able

to do it at breakfast.

I think it was 

as the throngs of staff

went up to watch the departure

like animals piling into the ark

and you stayed to face the flood

that is me and my messes 

and my lips' careful presses

against yours

and all of my problems 

and dreams and desires

and how every place that you touched

sparked sharp little fires

and if love is deception

then, I thought

I guess we're _both _liars

I think it was

when you slid your heart

out of your breast pocket

and held it up to the light

and out to my hand

as I have never been able 

to do for another

because I was so very scared

and you were so very brave

and we each made the other

feel safe enough to be

what we tried our very best not to

whatever that is

whatever it means

It was probably

all of these things 

stacked up together

my memories a messy pile

your words slotting together

like the gears of a watch

because it is all of the leaves 

that make up a tree

every grain of sand

that makes up a beach

and just like that

there is no one moment

when I fell in love with you

only a moment

when I finally realised it

Yes, I think it was that.

_C.R.L_


End file.
